I have a loved one who has struggled with drug and alcohol addiction for over 10 years, only 2 of which were truly sober and clean. His dark decade has been punctuated by arrests, hospitalizations, and too many suicide attempts to count. Lately this has been affecting me more than usual. I think that as I wake up spiritually and emotionally, my empathic ability to feel his pain increases, even though I haven’t heard from him in two months. But as I write this I’m just guessing.
I’m going to say it straight, get it out there: The possibility of his death always looms, like a shadow in the corner of every room I walk in. It’s the extent to which I notice the shadow that makes the difference of how greatly I’m affected at any moment. Recently I’ve been staring right at it. “I see you fucker!” I want to kill that shadow and save my loved one, but it doesn’t work like that, because that shadow is mine, not his.
It whispers in my ear with a creepy thick tone, “You could have saved him in the past. You knew what was going on, but did nothing, and now you’re not doing enough. You should have stopped by his place last week, unannounced. Seeing you might have been the boost he needed. Because of your lack of attention, he’ll be gone without a word to you.”
I know my shadow’s words are not true, but lately, I’ve been entertaining them regardless. So is it just coming from me? Has my energy shift brought this on or is it my loved one’s increased depression that I’m sensing, or is his higher self sending out help signals that I’m actively receiving? I believe it’s a good portion of all, but the catalyst must be my doing.
I’ve been noticing that every positive shift I make toward being my true self brings a corresponding opening of sensitivities, and with these sensitivities comes stronger emotional information from others. In turn, I am given new opportunities to evaluate how I respond to the increase in feelings and information.
And my shadow shows itself. And I play with it, talk to it, yell at it. In fact, as soon as I finish writing this, I’ll give him the boot. I'm not saying I'll never see him again, but next time I'll know who's shadow he is.